Little Lifeboat

recent posts

  • Perspective shift

    Perspective shift

    So, it’s been a few days – how do things feel and what have I learned?

    Strangest thing, after three years of searching for people locally to build friendships and network, about six people suddenly fell in my lap. I went to my first Munch the other night, and I have a dinner tomorrow night.

    The first thing I learned is that I really like communicating with people. This has been such a thing that has shifted for me compared to who I used to be years ago. I have a few people that genuinely want to be friends, and I’m actually seeing the benefit in having platonic friends.

    The second thing for me was just how dead my previous partnership was. I actually feel lighter no longer having that person in my life. I don’t think they are a “bad” person or anything, but something I learned of when speaking with a past serious partner of theirs lately is that they are perceived at being bad at boundaries.

    I’ve never had a disagreement with them before and never knew that side of them, so it tracks.

    Also, it’s nice having all pressure off about Colorado. I think it could be a neat place, but it still isn’t a top pick for me personally. Portland/PNW seems more exciting as it does for Kasey.

    I also think that I previously did a bad job at seeking value in platonic friends, and that is strange to me. It’s something that I will be getting real experience with in the coming months and I really think I should start all of my connections this way.

  • Breaking Open: From Wedding Crisis to Chosen Family – Six Years Later

    I remember scrolling through r/polyamory like it was yesterday, desperately trying to understand what polyamory actually meant and how to “save” my marriage, just one week after our wedding ceremony. I thought I had found “the one”: a good stepmother, a good lover, someone I could build a life with. Amanda always wanted to go deeper with me emotionally than I was able to reach, and she found it novel that I was the first AMAB male she had ever dated, however, I’ve always been queer, otherwise, it never would have worked from the start.

    I was the stereotypical emotionally stoic engineer type: a little closed off, awkward with my feelings. But I had done enough personal work to show up when it mattered, and I was fiercely loyal.

    Amanda was quieter, always absorbed in books, with what I considered a peculiar obsession with being “vulnerable” with people. I had even helped her set up a blog called “The Vulnerability Addict.” Her desire to connect deeply with others was something I didn’t quite understand, though I supported it, much like I supported her “woo-woo” spiritual interests and the Reiki classes I paid for, even when they seemed foreign to me.

    Then there was Kayden, Amanda’s former roommate. They had met through unusual circumstances: both had been cheated on by the same partner. I would later learn that her interest in him had played a significant role in ending Amanda’s previous marriage, of which she was more fresh out of when meeting her.

    Between our engagement and the wedding, Kayden reappeared in Amanda’s life. At first, I actually felt relieved. He was someone she had grieved when he went no contact after we started dating. He had been polyamorous at the time but uninterested, for whatever reason, in pursuing a relationship with her.

    But things shifted. I noticed her constantly on her phone, increasingly distant, especially during our honeymoon (which we took before the wedding itself). There was a part of me that knew I should have postponed the wedding, but I pushed forward. I trusted her.

    Eventually, the conversation came. She wanted space for things to be “a little weird” with Kayden. I’ve always been predisposed to openness regarding sexuality, and while I had closed that part of myself off when I started dating Amanda, I didn’t see a problem with exploring it again. After all, who cares if she’s seeing someone else from time to time, she’ll be back home at the end of the night.

    Then came the NRE (New Relationship Energy), and my god, it was overwhelming. Years of wanting and waiting on her part, all flooding out at once. Amanda and Kayden were both very spiritual, very “woo.” The first time they were in our RV together doing Reiki or whatever “weird shit” as I called it at the time, something struck me deep in my core. I had some sort of spiritual awakening, or maybe just a switch flipped inside me. Either way, my entire world turned upside down and I had a cognitive shift I’d never fully understand, and could never undo.

    Then the “non-hierarchical polyamory” demands came (as it was the only “ethical way”) and talks at the kitchen table about spending 3 nights a week with him, 3 nights with me, and a night alone. It also became apparent to me that I was the “trial run” of what it was like dating a male, and I couldn’t help but compare myself to a trans masc man and was belittled for being AMAB, which completely invalidated my queerness.

    Within a month, I was admitted to inpatient psychiatric care.

    Every day in group therapy, I started the same way: “My newlywed wife is with someone else, and I agreed to it, but I don’t know if I want this (or die).” I met good people in that facility, people whose pain made mine feel less isolating, even though most were there primarily for addiction treatment. One person had nearly killed his children while high on heroin. Another passed out during a group session. Surely, I told myself, whatever I was going through was manageable in comparison.

    The longer I held onto things, the more toxic they became. It didn’t help that our wedding and poly bombing occurred right at the start of the pandemic, it also didn’t help that had a high income and for whatever reason, agreed to continue paying rent on a home I was not allowed to/couldn’t tolerate living in.

    Polyamory, for me in those early days, was an absolute dumpster fire. Monogamous people wanted to “run away” with me, to rescue me from what they saw as a terrible situation. Polyamorous people didn’t want to deal with my emotional baggage and instability. I even ended up in a relationship with a butch dyke who happened to be the first person my wife dated who had secretly wanted to be with the moment she met me early on in Amanda and I’s relationship. I don’t know how or why I stuck with it all.

    But I did.

    I worked through my abandonment trauma, my attachment issues, and did the deep inner child work necessary to hold myself safe, and eventually, to hold others safe too. Even when it felt like I was dying inside. (Clementine Morrigan’s work on polyamory and trauma comes to mind as particularly helpful during this period.)

    Now, nearly seven years later, everything has transformed.

    I have a nesting partner I met within polyamory (starting open is SO much easier). We’ve been in a triad with another partner for four years, and she is so incredibly awesome (and her partners are, too!) Honestly, I wouldn’t still be polyamorous today if I hadn’t met her. Just today, my partner flew out of state to meet members of our polycule. We started a Discord server last month, and I’m definitely crushing on my metamours as we launch our D&D campaign together. The connection and community I’ve found feel like coming home.

    Both of my parents died last year, and through that grief, I’ve realized my heart belongs in Colorado now. The losses have brought clarity about what matters most, a chosen family.

    I also wrote a letter to Amanda recently, forgiving her. And I meant every word. I genuinely hope she is happy and loved, wherever she is. That relationship, and its ending, cracked me open in ways that were excruciating at the time but ultimately necessary. It forced me to confront parts of myself I had kept locked away and led me to the beautiful, complicated, deeply fulfilling connections I have today.

    If I came across this exact post back then and read it, was it worth it? (I just got chills writing that.) I don’t know, and so much pain could have been saved, especially if I left sooner instead of dragging out the divorce for a year in something that became toxic (and that I became a toxic person within).

    But I am happy now.

  • And… Meet the Polycule!

    And…… (those damn AND feelings)

    From left to right! M, L, E, K!

    I’m partner with L & K! K and L are also in a partnership & there is me, L, K in a triad! Three discrete circles!

    I’m on M’s “pebble list” which is such a darn cute thing, and I’m a “fond friend” of E! My metas whom I’m totally crushing on and who are such kind folks.

    Although there is much sadness today due to loosing a connection, there is also much joy. Just look at these queers!! Fucking AND feelings, let’s fucking go 😭🥴😍

    My heart is firmly in Colorado, and I’ve not yet met all the people who will love me. I also think it’s going to be very, very, very different to live in an area where I can find good people, kinky people, kind people, casual people, all sorts of people – and I think where I’ll build the chosen family of peeps I’m seeking.

  • Struggle bus, today, and a goodbye

    Had a shame spiral this morning & not too happy with it, but also proud of myself for not burning bridges like old versions of myself would. Healing isn’t linear and that gap between feeling and action is a very nice place to be. I can be kind to myself also.

    I won’t go into heavy detail, and I intend not to, but I’m working to reset expectations and pace myself as I get back into the dating scene. After all, it’s been three years since moving up here and I’m allowing myself grace to be out of the element and a little rusty.

    It’s also my first time finding ANYONE worth getting to know since moving to this hell hole, because northern Indiana is SO fucking dead.

    There’s this quieter voice I’ve been cultivating, self parenting and holding myself safe in my emotions. It’ll be a little messy sometimes, but it’s much more preferred over simply closing out my emotionality and shoving it under a rug like I did for so many years. I had to be a robot because as a child it wasn’t safe to allow myself to have my walls down as my mother’s narcissistic husband would use it to manipulate and control.

    So much work has been done since 2019, and so much work is still ahead, but still. Proud of myself today instead of giving in.

    Fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment – pushing people away due to fear of hurt, even while craving connection

    Fucking yay.

    Edit 1

    Had an adult conversation and I feel both 1. Really sad 2. Much lighter 3. Thankful to stop questioning myself and my intuition (if it was me)

    There’s surely some things that I can continue working though & detangling expectations, but also, my intuitions were also correct, this person just isn’t emotionally available and I’m glad to hear they will take a step back from dating until they are in a more available place as to not hurt others (but I also get just wanting distraction/attention, even if it isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism sometimes – I just can’t and won’t be a part of that, personally, because I want genuine connections)

    Shame, as I could have really loved them and there’s so many things I adore, but that’s how it goes sometimes. I just wish people could have been a little more self aware starting out, but also, I am a very unique person who often makes people feel seen and it’s not the first time, nor last I end up being someone’s unexpected – mostly just because of how on the fucking floor the bar is for men are these days, I suppose, or a greater observation that vulnerability, authenticity, and how emotional availability is just plain hard to come by in general.

    Edit 3: Rumination and all of the other things when sad about loosing a connection. Was it really that too much to ask for a little flirting in return and maybe to see each other once a week? Then possibly, an overnight once a week or every two weeks? I mean, damn, she would have been my 3rd partner, I didn’t want, need, or expected multiple nights a week with her, and any up front NRE would have transitioned into more sporadic contact. But it also felt like if I didn’t do the work, I’d just never see them, either, and that was what started the spiral this morning.

    Edit 4: Learning point: Do better at asking what people are actually up for and want and if they don’t know, treat it as a red flag; even if I’m “unexpected” or someone feels seen for the first time. I think I’ll treat the latter as a yellow flag from now on.

    I also need to work more on nailing these things down by the second date, I think. Topics from Relationship Anarchy come to mind:

    Now, it doesn’t have to look like knowing all of the things up front, but maybe starting with agreements upfront that “I won’t ghost you/break off the connection without intentionally saying something” could be a first one? Also, orients and gets people talking and being intentional.

    Not having it all figured out is okay, of course. There is some balance though of intentionality, self awareness, etc I think.

    Sigh. I’ll miss you, B. Thank you for giving me closure and showing up in that, I know it’s not the easiest thing for you to do, but you are free now and void of expectation.

  • Energetic connections

    Energetic connections

    Things deepened in the polycule over the past week, I fell into a thing with E & M put me on their “pebble list” – these things happened within 30 minutes of each other, independently, which was quite interesting. M and I hung out and played games last night, then we shared about our hometowns and did a Google Earth tour of CO.

    The group got into a highly energetic and spiritual place the other night, it was quite interesting and I haven’t felt something like that for years, it’s also quite exhausting and I slept nearly 10 hours last night, which is unusual as I average around 6 1/2 hours.

    Love without expectation is a big topic for me lately and I’m working to deconstruct my escalators and reconciling expectation and allowing things to be & people meeting me where they are and not where they “should” be.

    Also balancing that with if genuine needs aren’t being met vs. what society has told us what things should look like, and for me, by specific timeframes.

    There’s also some reconciliation/growth going on lately as I work on emotional compartmentalization between relationships and context switching.

    However, it was just a month ago that KC and I were practically mono day to day then all of a sudden POLYCULE! And I love it so much, and this has been what I wanted for nearly six years now, but it’s important to continually remind myself that rest is important, too.

    All good things. I’ll continue grounding myself this week.

  • It’s been awhile, for a lot of things

    It’s been awhile, for a lot of things

    As I sit here in bed, the cat looking over my laptop and the doggo laying next to me on the floor, hopeful for long consumed chicken nuggets, I again send my lived experiences throughout the ether. Much has changed since I was last able to write.

    There are still things I cannot discuss, such as mom’s estate due to prying eyes, so those topics will remain untold here.

    About a month ago, my partner L invited K and myself to a discord for D&D with her two other partners. What unfolded felt like coming back into contact with old friends in a way. And it makes sense, the person you love’s other partners are more often than not going to be within the same thread as yourself. Not always, but sometimes.

    Things have been unfolding most excellently with both M and E. M is so intelligent in the neurodivergent ways that I am and the most obscure topics, while E is someone whom I share previous trauma and struggles with and I want to love all of the little pieces within them that I find in myself. I find a high spiritual connection with all three.

    And has L has described of any “usual D&D group”, there’s also space for things to be sex positive and fun, which has been a delight. We are all highly queer, I feel at home in the group and safe to express my own queerness.

    I’ve noticed K coming out of her shell more as well, she’ll be flying out to CO to visit in person next weekend and I’m so very excited for her. I wish I was just a little further along in healing my agoraphobia to make the trip, it’s very tempting to just go – and I imagine if I just did, the anticipatory anxiety would be the scariest part. Also, it’s only a 2hr 49 minute flight.

    Which speaking of, I do indeed feel much lighter when it comes to agoraphobia in the last year. I’m consistently driving to Kokomo, campgrounds, other places, and I have a sense by Spring I’ll be through this period of agoraphobia. It had started during the pandemic and after some intense loss, and it’s time to get back out there again and be free.

    I also believe there’s deeper wounds I’ve been able to heal throughout the grief of the past year. Yes, I miss my mother and always will, but the loss has not crushed me. I don’t mean to cheapen the loss in any way by saying that, but I have a strange feeling that she’s always here with her hand over my heart.

    Speaking of such topics, I had a FaceTime with L the other night. Now, for new readers L is someone both K and I met when we lived in Indianapolis and saw about once every two weeks. It started as a casual thing (K and me started our relationship open/ENM from the start, especially as she is bisexual and who am I to keep her from exploring that?), but feelings developed over the years. By the time she was preparing to move, I had connected with L individually and we became partners, and we both knew there was much deeper energy here that had been growing over the years.

    L is someone that, by example, shown me that there are good people practicing polyamory, that there are people who have done the work, and that abundance, joy, all the things we set out as our ideals are possible. L saved me in a way from giving up on poly, and especially as an ordained priest in the Christian faith, helped heal some religious trauma from my youth.

    I love her so much, and those strange things I have been feeling for a few years now and mostly kept to myself – how she is just always with me was reciprocated, confirmed on our last FaceTime. Not to be hokey in any way, either, it’s something I cannot explain and goes beyond the usual serotonin/dopamine NRE feels. We landed on, “My soul is at home with you.”

    We also both settled on bi-weekly calls as it’s always been something we’ve been absent minded about, which I’m excited! It’s just kind of like we’ve never needed the logistical things and so much is said in silence, yet, much has always been talked about? But I don’t need to explain it. I do greatly miss her touch, however, and the passion, and that group dynamic, and going out for ice cream after. Rawr.

    K and I are doing well. The last year of grief has been rough for sure, and the stress of the estate and lawsuit. I had been more absent as I was in survival mode most days, writing motions for the docket, collaborating with law enforcement and all of the lawyers. Mom’s death was a tragedy that lasted the year leading up to it and I just don’t want to give that any energy or dwell on it here. I love you, mom.

    It’s been nice coming back into my energy and emotionally opening up again, being closer to the end of things on that front, and enough healing happening to be able to be present once more. I also attribute much of it to the polycule as dating and connections in Northern Indiana has been more than dead, and finding likeminded people has been a godsend.

    And then I met B. A quieter girl in terms of the heart, for now as often some the deepest feelers are guarded, but also an excellent communicator whom I find myself falling into NRE with. I find myself blushing often and hanging off of every word that she says. I find her highly intelligent and caring, and so very attractive. I also find it funny that both of my other partners are INTJ/INFJ, and L has three ENFP partners, while K has me, and both K and L spend their time in sporadic contact mostly speaking of books they are reading, which I find to be so Lesbian coded.

    And speaking of L and K, I’m very excited for her to stay with L and get that individual time/experience in with her. She’ll be meeting L’s other two partners and explore CO. Seeing K often go into what we describe as a “queer panic” has been so very cute ❤️

    Back to B, the bee witch, I can’t sit here in vulnerability and say that I’m not falling for her something major. I made the decision to close off my dating apps this evening as I want to see how this develops and where things lead and honor the time and space for that. I take what she says as face value, she likes where this is headed, and she’s excited about it. I’ve also never been someone who has wanted a smattering of several loose connections, although there’s nothing wrong with that for others; but I seek and want to build intentional connections that go deep, people whom I want in my life for a long time, that show up for each other. Community, a chosen family.

    People you call when your house burns down or your car breaks down, when you lose people you love and need someone to hold you safe at night. To support your dreams, and you theirs, in the most honest way, in the most loving way. To love someone without possessing them, and to love their love for others, and love for themselves, their projects, goals, and dreams.

    But I don’t want to sit here and regurgitate the philosophy behind polyamory, many resources and books are out there on the topic.

    And we can be logic driven about it on the flip side as well and dive into the pure cognition of things, although it’s not where my spirit guides/intuition has told me to invest an overly large amount of energy in, as I think she’s someone who I can help dream and get out of her head (as I’m told by people, especially who love me, that I am so very good at it), while she can ground me and snap to the logistics as needed, the finer details (which my partners are also good at).

    I’m personally a line strider here, a past INFJ. But I think the balance will be me bringing in the emotional focus as otherwise I’m sure we could, and have, talked for hours, and I do love that, the cerebral with her – and I can’t imagine what it’ll be like once we are in each other’s energy in relation to projects, something I’m looking very forward to. But I also loved holding her hand, and feeling her breath, and I so very badly want to kiss her more.

    I also don’t want to future focus or be prescriptive here, burdened by logistics/cognitive, and I’ll share why by doing this very thing, lightly, in the next paragraphs. There have been some daydreams and soft thoughts – we’ll both be leaving Indiana eventually, there is the possibility of doing so together. However, my heart does also call me to Colorado, and I’ve also loved the PNW when I visited. I’m also not sure about the altitude in CO, but I love someone dearly there also. B could find family and community in the polycule, or maybe there’s no interest in those connections (but I do not feel as such would be the latter, after all, we have a bomb ass D&D group and are a bunch of kind, intelligent, and loving nerds – I could see us all going LARPing very easily and there are many shared interests) – but no expectation.

    Pause. Ground yourself. In fact, I think this is a part of what the cards were referring to, not being overly logical about things. It also doesn’t matter to be overly logical about things right now. B and I both have things keeping us here, likely for a longer time and if things did continue to develop and grow, there’s no glass ceiling on what we could choose to build together with intention and planning. Also, like duh, I’ll have a permanent home here, and an awesome camper van, who says I can’t go fuck off for a month or two in CO and come back to B? Or we could all come together and build the “cult”/commune as myself and B aren’t the only ones who play with this idea and we genuinely have the distributed skillsets – solar power, rainwater collection, gardening, construction, planning, and some good bakers to keep the work crews happy

    But also, did I mention I was in NRE? But she did send me the October 2026 Brandywine Festival, and while on the face of it – yes, so very exciting, but what if it was a playful invitation in a way? There’s no doubt I’d go with her, especially in my super awesome camper van, and Harrodsburg, KY is only a four hour drive. It would be perfect, and far away enough in the future that I should have no problem with the drive. We could work on our costumes/cosplay over the seasons and get them perfect, share pinterest boards, go on drives and dates and be comfortable panicking in the car with her (which is a tummy ache and sometimes crying in reality, needing to pull over for a moment) – I continue doing the work also with a specific goal in mind. I’d love that. We can go to the gym, and encourage each other to stay physically healthy (I’ve been secretly considering gifting an Apple Watch Ultra 2 – which I already own, or buying a Fitbit for myself, but I want to actually commit before deciding) And I want to be there for the harder things that I’ve also been through and hold her safe through it when that time comes as I’ll heal some parts of myself being there for someone else through it, and everything else.

    But also, did I mention that it isn’t just NRE? I have a feeling there’s something deeper here that I can’t quite put my finger on and maybe in four years we’d have that conversation too, but in the meantime I want to know what it feels like to hold each other, and to see her in her energy in her projects and all of the other things. I’ll be throughly enjoying all of it and every step along the way.

  • Special Delivery

    I had some good time outside today waiting for the truck driver to deliver. Some back and forth with poor expectations on the delivery timing, nearly lost my ability to unload the crate due to the driver arriving exactly at 5pm and the business with the forklift closing!

    But I made the best of it.

    We have more cutting to do

  • Build planning

    Build planning

    I’m trying something different this time, a kit from Vantopia! I’m not the world’s best woodworker and needed some help.

    The overall plan is simple, install the kit and put in a desk in the blank space:

    The AW3423DWF I use is 32″ wide, leaving 20″ free on the desk, perfect to put the TR100 build next to:

    They are sending extra cabinets to put over my desk, one will house the Raspberry Pi for Home Assistant and comms gear, the rest will be for storage.

    The passenger seat will swivel, giving some lounging space to the passenger.

    The mattress space is an olympic queen size, which is 66″x80″, which provides 6″ more width vs a queen, but still 10″ shorter than a King. I think it should be just about perfect for the van.

    A traverse bed would be smarter and save a bit of space, however, this kit doesn’t have the option to and I’m telling myself that extra insulation and garage space is a good thing

    I mean, it is pretty much half of the floorspace for the bed, but what’s another 14″?

    Finally for the kitchen, I’ll slap in the induction cooktop and figure out some sort of electric oven.

    The fridge will go under the sink, right.

  • Combi Heater Hacking Pt. 2

    Combi Heater Hacking Pt. 2

    I’ve made a hell of a lot of progress!

    First off, LIN is 12V and it’s pulled low for bytes. The Logic 8 analyzer is 20V~ tolerant, but doesn’t work well over 5V. So, I used a LIN to UART converter board, and BOOM! Data.

    Second, I figured out that the microcontroller had BLE so I got curious and downloaded the JP Heater “MyBluee” app and what do you know, the Airxcel Combi is just a rebranded JP Heater, or comes from the same factory JP Heater sources theirs from.

    I also noticed the app has built in firmware updating

    This gave me the exact name of the LCD controller firmware file. Next, I downloaded the MyBluee app local to my mac, then inspected the binary with ChatGPT and within a few moments, I had the direct download link to the firmware:

    BT_LCD_350_p182_Ble_post.binDownload

    Slapping the bin also into ChatGPT and doing some logic analyzer runs, and boom, I have everything I need to document the bus commands!

    There is certainly more work to be done and real world testing, but so much has been accomplished.

    Next is to use 2x UART to USB to put UART on TTY and sit in the middle of the LIN to capture data and do command injection. Once done, I’ll throw the UART to LIN on an ESP32 and throw it on MQTT for Home Assistant control 🤌🏻

  • LIN & RS485 (Modbus?) Hacking Pt 1

    LIN & RS485 (Modbus?) Hacking Pt 1

    To control the Combi heater and Heat pump via Home Assistant, I must reverse engineer the communications protocol between the LCD displays and the units. This is more my personal notes.

    1. Combi

    Arduino like Microcontroller and a LIN bus chip

    2. Heat Pump

    Tuya board + RS485 (TP8485E), likely running ModBus

    The Combi does have a RV-C board available.. for $450, which is insane vs the cost of parts.

    The primary issue is that the RV-C documentation is not online, and I’ve yet to hear back from them regarding the documentation. It’s worthless without the documentation and I’m waiting to see if it can be run down.

    It’s also goofy that they are going from LIN to RS232 then to RS232 to RVC, which smells like off the shelf components.

    Reverse engineering basically looks like probing the data lines then logging when operations are performed on the displays, then working out the schema.

    Something like this

    I have a oscilloscope coming and a Saleae Logic 8 for decoding. It’ll likely end up being a cold winter project. Bringing these into Home Assistant opens lots of automation logic! I just hope the Ecoflow doesn’t end up being a giant pain.

    It’s also possible to hack the tuya firmware on the display itself as it is already running an esp32 like microcontroller, would just need to dump the current firmware, I think, to figure out the control scheme.