Little Lifeboat

Had a shame spiral this morning & not too happy with it, but also proud of myself for not burning bridges like old versions of myself would. Healing isn’t linear and that gap between feeling and action is a very nice place to be. I can be kind to myself also.

I won’t go into heavy detail, and I intend not to, but I’m working to reset expectations and pace myself as I get back into the dating scene. After all, it’s been three years since moving up here and I’m allowing myself grace to be out of the element and a little rusty.

It’s also my first time finding ANYONE worth getting to know since moving to this hell hole, because northern Indiana is SO fucking dead.

There’s this quieter voice I’ve been cultivating, self parenting and holding myself safe in my emotions. It’ll be a little messy sometimes, but it’s much more preferred over simply closing out my emotionality and shoving it under a rug like I did for so many years. I had to be a robot because as a child it wasn’t safe to allow myself to have my walls down as my mother’s narcissistic husband would use it to manipulate and control.

So much work has been done since 2019, and so much work is still ahead, but still. Proud of myself today instead of giving in.

Fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment – pushing people away due to fear of hurt, even while craving connection

Fucking yay.

Edit 1

Had an adult conversation and I feel both 1. Really sad 2. Much lighter 3. Thankful to stop questioning myself and my intuition (if it was me)

There’s surely some things that I can continue working though & detangling expectations, but also, my intuitions were also correct, this person just isn’t emotionally available and I’m glad to hear they will take a step back from dating until they are in a more available place as to not hurt others (but I also get just wanting distraction/attention, even if it isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism sometimes – I just can’t and won’t be a part of that, personally, because I want genuine connections)

Shame, as I could have really loved them and there’s so many things I adore, but that’s how it goes sometimes. I just wish people could have been a little more self aware starting out, but also, I am a very unique person who often makes people feel seen and it’s not the first time, nor last I end up being someone’s unexpected – mostly just because of how on the fucking floor the bar is for men are these days, I suppose, or a greater observation that vulnerability, authenticity, and how emotional availability is just plain hard to come by in general.

Edit 3: Rumination and all of the other things when sad about loosing a connection. Was it really that too much to ask for a little flirting in return and maybe to see each other once a week? Then possibly, an overnight once a week or every two weeks? I mean, damn, she would have been my 3rd partner, I didn’t want, need, or expected multiple nights a week with her, and any up front NRE would have transitioned into more sporadic contact. But it also felt like if I didn’t do the work, I’d just never see them, either, and that was what started the spiral this morning.

Edit 4: Learning point: Do better at asking what people are actually up for and want and if they don’t know, treat it as a red flag; even if I’m “unexpected” or someone feels seen for the first time. I think I’ll treat the latter as a yellow flag from now on.

I also need to work more on nailing these things down by the second date, I think. Topics from Relationship Anarchy come to mind:

Now, it doesn’t have to look like knowing all of the things up front, but maybe starting with agreements upfront that “I won’t ghost you/break off the connection without intentionally saying something” could be a first one? Also, orients and gets people talking and being intentional.

Not having it all figured out is okay, of course. There is some balance though of intentionality, self awareness, etc I think.

Sigh. I’ll miss you, B. Thank you for giving me closure and showing up in that, I know it’s not the easiest thing for you to do, but you are free now and void of expectation.